From: jim.speirs@canrem.com (Jim Speirs) To: macman@bernina.ethz.ch Subject: Working with Spirited Children - 2 Article #R59. ===== Working with Spirited Children - 2 Ben Kruser The Leader, January 1993 Last month, we took an overall look at the characteristics of spirited children. We saw how negative labels can prevent us from understanding them and how our own personality types can influence our reaction to them. Now let's explore ways you can use the character traits of spirited children to develop strategies for working with them. We'll look more closely at these five character traits-intensity, persistence, sensitivity, perception, and adaptability. Intensity Intensity is the power punch that drives spirited children's reactions. These children can be happily building a craft one second and, the next, collapse into a shrieking heap because they've glued one toothpick in the wrong place. You can teach kids to read the signs that they are starting to lose it. You might have heard parents say, "You need to use your words." Spirited children need to learn to express how they are feeling so that they can send up a verbal smoke signal before one appears from their ears. Intense spirited children need to hear the positive before dealing with their problem. You might say something like this to an upset child. - What I like about you is that you're very enthusiastic. - You like to do things very well. - I like that you always try to do your best. - I think that you are feeling angry, sad, etc. >From this base, try to talk out the emotions to help the child come up with options for solving the problem. You might then try to suggest ways children can use words to signal you the next time they feel their booster engines starting to ignite. Tell them it's okay to come over to you and say: - I'm getting upset/frustrated. - I feel like smashing someone. - The spring in my stomach is getting tight and I'm ready to bounce. If you want to keep peace, you have to be sincere and genuinely prepared to help children when they come to you. In the short term, it might seem inconvenient or appear to be favouring one child over the rest. In the long term, you are preventing a much more time-consuming blow-up and giving spirited children practice in controlling their own temperament. Here are some other tips. Remind spirited children that it is all right to be intense, but not to be aggressive. Use time-outs from activities, not as punishment but rather as chances to step away from the problem, catch their breath, and start again. Try to use humour to diffuse the tension, especially if you feel you are starting to lose it yourself. Remember that intense spirited children will grow up to be great athletes, businessmen, performers, and others in careers that demand a high degree of concentration. Persistence Persistence is a positive trait we hope all children will develop. Nobody likes to deal with procrastinators-people who keep changing their minds and saying "yes" to everyone. Persistent spirited children need to hear that you appreciate their qualities. Tell them: - You really know what you like. - You are not afraid to say no to something that bothers you. - You can think for yourself. - You are not afraid to stick up for yourself. Problems arise when spirited children get so frustrated that they lock into one particular path that may not be suitable. This Continued in next message. --- * RoseReader 2.00b P003758: Illiterate? Write now for free help! To: macman@bernina.ethz.ch Subject: Article #59. 2/ 4 From: jim.speirs@canrem.com (Jim Speirs) Date: Mon, 23 Jan 1995 05:11:00 -0500 Organization: CRS Online (Toronto, Ontario) Continued from previous message. calls for very patient negotiation to find areas of common agreement or interests. While fine for most children, ignoring or distracting spirited children doesn't work. It takes effort to get from "no" to "yes". In Raising Your Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka suggests a process called "looking for PIECE". It goes like this. Position: Spirited children are quick to let you know where they stand ("I'm going to..."; "I want..."). You end up fighting over a position. Instead of looking at each other from respective corners, try to move into middle ground and look for common interests. Outline the acceptable options for you and see if any appeal to the child. Interest: stating a position means verbalizing interests. Ask the child why he or she feels that way. Most children have a pretty good reason often unnoticed by adults. For instance, a child might be adamant about bringing his towel to the pool deck instead of leaving it in the locker because he does not want to get cold running back to get it. Clarifying interests and reasons unlocks the position and lets you move towards a resolution. The child also needs to hear your interests. Learning to use words provides children an important tool; you can help them learn by modelling ways to talk out a problem. Expectations: As you begin to find common ground, clarify your expectations or use established rules to guide the decision. Perhaps they already provide the answer; for example, you can't have a snowball fight if the pack's own code of behaviour states "no snowballs" (Nov. '92). If the child wants to play in the snow, building a snowman might be an acceptable alternative. Consensus: When the child begins to unlock and you've solicited common interests and expectations, agree on how the problem will be solved. Brainstorming ideas helps a persistent spirited child see there are usually a variety of options. Maybe leaving the towel by the lifeguard stand near the locker door is acceptable to everyone. Maybe building a snowman is just like making giant snowballs. This is an important part of problem-solving that can appeal to the child's imaginative way of thinking. Evaluate: If the solution doesn't work, cast around for some more. It's okay to change your mind if something does not work. Again, this is part of becoming an effective problem-solver. Saying "yes" to a persistent spirited child is okay, too, if we can work out acceptable options. But there are times when we have to say "no". At these times, you may need to tell the child: - I like you too much to let you hurt yourself. - The rule is.... - I am not afraid to stop you. Spirited children who lose control rely on strong adults to pull them back from the edge. Make sure your rules and instructions are clear and precise and apply them consistently and firmly. Teaching spirited children that actions have consequences gives them an important life skill. Spirited children do not at all like the word "no" and react strongly to it. Reaching a balance in controlling them can make us wonder if we are being too hard or soft on them. You know you have achieved a balance when you feel that both you and the spirited child are making progress. A successful resolution or compromise leaves everyone happy and no one feeling as if he or she got the short end of the stick. Sensitivity Sensitive spirited children feel emotions, smell odours, hear voices, and see things that most of us miss. What is a faint wisp of smoke to us might be a choking, nauseating stink to a sensitive child. Labelling a sensitive spirited child "oversensitive" does not lessen the physical reality the child experiences and is plainly insensitive on the part of the labeller. These children have problems when their sensitivity levels are bombarded and overwhelmed. On a trip to the local mall, with its hustle, lights, and background music, you may have to take a few kids into the parking lot to watch the pigeons in relative quiet. By keeping an eye on stimulation levels, you can gain some control over emotional triggers. If your meeting is getting too noisy, bring down the stimulation level with a quiet game or by reading a story. Sensitive spirited children need to know that their feelings are acceptable. Tell them that: - They are tenderhearted and caring. - They have a big heart. - They can really care about others. Help these children learn new words to describe their emotions. By using words, spirited children can talk out their emotions and share some beautiful feelings with you. Perception We often accuse perceptive spirited children of not listening or of daydreaming. In fact, they are probably so focused on something that they have literally tuned out the world and you along with it. These kids take in a tremendous amount of information and can often lose track of what to pay attention to. You can provide them various cues to pick up on. For instance, when changing activities, you might want to: - Blink lights as a warning (visual message). - Sing a transition song (verbal message). - Touch a child as a reminder (physical message). - Participate in the change (demonstration). Let's say you're moving outside, for example. Blink the lights for attention, sing an outside song as kids get ready, move slow children to their coats, and show them you are putting on your coat, too. When dealing with perceptive spirited children, make eye contact. Keep instructions simple and say exactly what you mean. Tell them what they can do, not just what they can't do. Adaptability Spirited children have a hard time adapting to new situations or changes in routines. Missing an opening or closing ceremony creates confusion and a need to stop everything to fill in the missing routine. Warn spirited children that a change is coming. ("In two minutes, we are going to have a game.") This will give them time to finish their projects or begin making a mental shift to the next activity. Watch the number of transitions you make in a meeting. Activities that jump around can create unnecessary stress and frustration. Remember that spirited children like to be organized, want to know what to expect, and don't like surprises in accepted routines. It's not a good idea to say you are going to start a game, then suddenly change your mind to finish cleaning first. Side-tracking isn't fair to most kids. It can be lethal to a spirited child. Ms Kurcinka has devised four simple steps for taking spirited children into account during your program planning sessions. It's called POWER - Predict the reactions. - Organize the setting. - Work together. - Enjoy the Rewards. When you plan a meeting, think about how the kids will react, especially your spirited kids. Talk over possible reactions, plan to avoid possible problems, and prepare to handle those that might pop up. Choose an activity site where you know kids can succeed. You can't expect spirited extrovert children to sit quietly in a car for 20 minutes and then walk serenely through the museum. Work with spirited children to meet their needs as well as yours. It doesn't mean you are giving in; it means you are a caring and empathetic adult. By taking spirited children for who they are, we can find enough in common that all of us will enjoy the rewards of being together in Scouting. Resource: Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka; Harper Collins, 1991.